...AND THAT WAS RAVEL!

I love classical music. I listen to it a lot and used to [poorly] play the violin. So, I basically have a long history of sitting in the back of an orchestra and enjoying the music.

Generally, I tune into PBS to listen to classical music, but in Seattle I just listen to King FM because it comes in [it's classical music with commercials and a smug man drinking coffee--see right].

One thing I've noticed they have in common, aside from the obvious, is that they both have announcers who like to scare the crap out of their listeners.

I'm not talking about telling scary stories or jumping out of your radio and eating your heart. No no... they like to play very relaxing pieces, and just as you're soaking in the end of a song and relaxing, there's a brief pause. A few seconds into the pause, the announcer always takes a sharp inhale of breath and BAM! begins to speak very loudly and monotone, startling you out of any happy contentedness he may have previously lulled you into.

Maybe I'm the only one who has noticed this, but I like falling asleep and not being jolted out of pre-dreams by people who lack volume control.

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]

"Meet me at the corner of Homo and Sexual."

Riding on the bus leaves much to be desired. I often spend my time daydreaming. I think, perhaps, the best daydream I've had yet is the time I replaced every hobo I saw with an M. I mean to say, I replaced the B in hobo with an M, which makes the new word, what? Correct! Look how smart you are!

Think about it... How much better would cities look and be if,
instead of hobos,

there were homos?

Instead of those smelly old guys who demand pocket change and talk to themselves, you'd have sexy, good-smelling guys who demand you change your outfit, but only converse with each other because, honey, they are way too good for you!

Homo shelters would be filled with minimal food [gotta watch your figure!], loud electronic music, dancing [the dirty kind], and expensive drinks [that aren't hidden in paper bags].

Let's be honest. The only people who wouldn't like this is anyone who hates looking at pretty street corners!

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]

ps: I know, I know, I'm great at taking pictures of weirdos in the backgrounds of pictures. I just really hope those lovely gay boys got something to eat after the parade! They look positively famished.

Bathroom Literature

I want to name a book A Bathroom. I know, I'm brilliant.

Fine, think about it... when people ask for it in bookstores the conversation will go as follows:
[cast: Buttina as the shopper and Chester as the employee]

• Buttina: "Excuse me, do you have A Bathroom?
• Chester: "Yes, it's in the back near the drinking fountain."
• Buttina wanders off.
• Buttina comes back obviously agitated minutes later.
• Buttina: "Excuse me, I don't find your sense of humor to be very... humorous."
• Chester: "Pardon?"
• Buttina: "I asked for A Bathroom, and you pointed me in the direction of the loo."
• Chester: "Yes, I tend to be helpful like that. Is there a problem?"

See? Humorous dialogue ensues! Uhm... and Buttina slipped on a banana peel.

A Bathroom will be number one on your reading list soon! Or perhaps even number two!

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]

Another Reason Why Footballers Are Lame

Dear high school footballers,
The only people who want you to wash their cars are pedophiles and your mothers. Find some cheerleaders to help you next time.
Sincerely,
A concerned citizen

No


Yes


Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]

Garfunkel and Oates

Stumbled across a new [to me] duo called Garfunkel and Oates, or Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci. These girls are so fabulous! Their lyrics are pretty funny!

F**k You


Pregnant Women are Smug [a personal favorite]


Me, You, and Steve awkward dates!


Present Face ohhh... thanks for that...


Worst Song Medley haha! this is so great :)


Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]

Paul's Going to Kill You at Roulette

Most people hate spam, and generally I do as well but I frequently utilize my Gmail option of previewing the first line of an email so that I can see what some of the spam says. I've gotten some really great spam messages; my favorites generally have lots of random words. I haven't gotten any of those lately, but I have gotten two messages from Paul.

I know that Paul asked me not to share, but I think this spam is an opportunity you cannot pass up [plus, I think everyone should become roulette experts!].

from: paul
reply-to: andrewlr@homsonline.com
to: ruidonegro@gmail.com
date: Mon, Jul 27, 2009 at 11:28 PM
subject: Re: sending it

yo mate, ok I`ll give you my trick but if you give it someone else I`ll fuckin kill you :)
you know in roulette you can bet on blacks or reds. If you bet $1 on black and it goes black you win $1 but
if it goes red you loose your $1.
So I found a way you can win everytime:

bet $1 on black if it goes black you win $1

now again bet $1 on black, if it goes red bet $3 on black, if it goes red again bet $8 on black,
if red again bet $20 on black, red again bet $52 on black (always multiple you previous lost bet around 2.5)
if now is black you win $52 so you have $104 and you bet:

$1 + $3 + $8 + $20 + $52 = $84 So you just won $20 :)

now when you won you start with $1 on blacks again etc etc. its always bound to go black
eventually (it`s 50/50) so that way you eventually always win. But there`s a catch. If you
start winning too much (like $1000 a day) casino will finally notice something and can ban
you. I was banned once on royal casino. So don`t be too greedy and don`t win more then $200
a day and you can do it for years. I think bigger casinos know that trick so I play for real
money on smaller ones, right now I play on lucky jackpot casino: goldenslotcasino.net for more
then 3 months, I win $50-$200 a day and my account still works. You`ll find roulette there when you log in go to
"specialty games" - "american roulette". And don`t you dare talling about it anyone else,
if too many people knows about it casinos will finally found a way to block that trick. If
you have any questions just drop me a line here or on skype.

c ya


> Hi paul.
>
> Please tell me when you will send me your roulette trick?
> You promised you`ll send it few weeks ago :(
>
> Thanks in advance.

Andrea Bocelli... King of Vanity?

I cannot lie to you... I always thought Andrea Bocelli was some sort of egotistical narcissist.

Let me explain.

It's just that he's got this far-off stare he does on all of his album covers.

It was only a few years ago, after purchasing one of his CDs [of which I may or may not have told iTunes to not play because, turns out I don't like his music], that I found out the guy is blind. I think it was probably because I saw someone leading him onto a stage, and I figured most grown men don't need some other man to lead them around.

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]

ps: Dear reader, let's be honest... I only purchased his CD because he had the same name as me.