20,000 Epiphanies Under the Sea

Confusing Nicknames

2012-01-24T13:38:00.000-08:00

There are many nicknames that make sense, but so many nicknames that confuse me. I'll show you my pattern of thinking/confusion.

Rhyming Names:
Jerry... Jerold
Harry... Harold
Larry... Larold?

Tim... Timothy
Jim... Jimothy?

Jed... Jedidiah
Ted... Tedadore?

Too Many Options:
Robert... Rob, Robby, Bob, Bobby, Bert
Johnathon... John, Johnny, Jim, Jo, Jon, Jack, Jay
Charles... Chuck, Chip, Charlie, Chaz
Richard... Rich, Richie, Dick

My Illogical Conclusions [about some of my friends' real names]:
Libby... Elibbabeth, Liberaci, Liberty, Libbigale
Mandy... Mandolin, Mandarin, Demanding

If I ever have children I've already got the girl's name picked out--Adelaïde. Her nickname will be Laïde [pronounced Lady].

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
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Twilightmare Before Eclipsemas

2012-01-21T12:19:00.000-08:00

They really should have done more searching before settling on a director for Twilight. Can you imagine Twilight by Tim Burton? It's the only way the series should have been done. Tim Burton, or no Twilight.

Now let's just imagine a world with no Twilight =)

Anyway, Johnny Depp as the vampire, Helena Bonham Carter as Bella--true masters of mopey gothic angst.

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[Addendum]
I wrote this blog post exactly one year ago. After I dug it up and published it today, I found some more pictures and apparently Tim Burton IS making a vampire movie with Johnny Depp and HBC...

Crime Scene Incompetence

2011-01-11T11:11:00.000-08:00

In shows like CSI, Monk, NCIS, Law & Order, Psych, Bones, etc., the cops/investigators always get the killer. This always bothers me, because no matter how perceptive someone is in real life, it's unlikely that they would always catch the person they were after. That's why there are so many unsolved crimes.

This is my proposal for a new crime show:

An investigator solves around half of the cases he is given.
Most of the episodes are left unresolved.
Perhaps at the end of each season he would get fired and relocate to a new precinct.
That way, each series could have a new title [in the style of CSI: Miami, CSI: NY, CSI: Mobridge, SD].
This would most likely be a drama so you could feel his pain as his failure increases.

Though, now that I think about it... this show might just be CSI: Mr. Bean.

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Transient Library

2011-01-09T07:16:00.000-08:00

During a recent excursion to the public library, I noticed the aisles of books were completely devoid of library patrons. The only person who kept trying to squeeze around me, as I texted my friend and judged books by their covers, was a teenager trying to reshelve romance novels and Dan Brown books.

As I looked around, I realized all of the people were sitting at the rows of computers. However, most of these people were loud teenagers and hobos.

I'm not quite sure why hobos were using computers. What are they looking up? Their stock in the housing market? Doubtful.

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Morguetin Luther King

2011-01-07T05:01:00.000-08:00

If Martin Luther King had worked in a morgue, I bet his famous quote would have been:

"Do not judge by the color of their skin, but by the contents of his stomach."

Stomach contents can tell you a lot about a dead person, but the skin color isn't as important. Unless the cadaver is jaundiced.

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Lame TV Show Makeover!

2011-01-04T13:34:00.000-08:00

Bored by what was on TV, I decided to revamp the ideas behind several popular reality shows.

$40 a Day
Lame: $40 for one woman to eat out in a day.
Interesting: $40 for a family of 4 to eat out in a day.

Survivor
Lame: Win prizes to survive in the "wilderness."
Interesting: Survive off of minimum wage, no food stamps, and four years of college debt in NYC.

American Idol
Lame: Compete in sing-offs to get a CD contract.
Interesting: Compete in a series of costume contests to see who can best pull off Billy Idol's look.

Criss Angel Mindfreak
Lame: Magic tricks performed right before your eyes.
Interesting: Magic used to bring people back from the dead.

Hell's Kitchen
Lame: A British chef yells at members of cooking teams while they attempt to appease his demands.
Interesting: It's cooking hour with Lucifer! Dishes so spicy they could only be fried by the fires of hell.

Jersey Shore
Lame: Orange "guidos" from the East Coast are stuffed into houses, bars, and cars and get paid large sums of money to scream at each other.
Interesting: Short video clips of the New Jersey shoreline.

Iron Chef
Lame: Two chefs use a specific ingredient to make the tastiest dishes for random judges who wander in off the streets.
Interesting: Two chefs use a specific ingredient and an iron to make the tastiest, flattest dishes for anorexic judges.

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My Next Restaurant

2010-12-31T08:07:00.000-08:00

If I opened a ph ở place I would call it:

Phở Phở-ty Phở

Everything would be priced at $4.44.

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Flow Chart of Life

2010-12-27T13:10:00.000-08:00

There are milestones in life that most people strive for. Then, once you finally reach one, people [parents, friends, coworkers, strangers, etc] start bothering you about exact dates and times of your next milestone achievement. This continuous series of questions can best be explained through the flowchart below.

Straight lines to a green circle = Yes
Dashed lines to a yellow circle = No

Generally, it's best not to ever move back home. Move in with a relative or the first stranger you meet; otherwise, you'll be getting all these questions in person. These questions are best asked over the phone because then you can fake cell phone troubles and then hang up.

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False Stache Tribute

2010-06-12T14:50:00.000-07:00

It's no secret that I have false mustache envy.

In fact, I fully intend on one day getting married wearing a monocle and a false mustache. My husband will have a monocle, false mustache, cane, and top hat. No lies. That's the only planning I've done for my TBD wedding. Man also TBD.

Not gonna lie, I would marry this girl. She loves false beards so much that she makes them for the beardly unfortunate.

This is one of my favorite photo galleries. I could look at it for hours. People who love their 'staches so much that they... basically garden them. Grooming, taming, weed whacking, etc.

I could live inside this website. Living off of delicious fake mustaches and false beardies. How fabulous!

Ke$ha's song Your Love Is My Drug is fabulous at 3.21 because she says "I like your beard." It's better on the radio, before having seen the video, because it's completely irrelevant to the rest of the song and is a wtf moment followed by laughter.

Aside from the time when I stumbled upon this gem ["The cougar (Puma concolor), also puma, mountain lion, Sarah Palin, or panther, depending on region, is a mammal of the Felidae family."], my favorite Wikipedia page is about mustaches. The style section in particular.

To be honest, I generally find real facial hair to be gross, full of bits of stuff, and oily. But false mustaches? SO classy! Where else are you going to find that high quality of awesome? Nowhere! Nowhere I tell ya!

However, just in case you CAN grow a mustache, here are some instructions on going about that.

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Greenwich Psychics

2010-06-09T13:02:00.000-07:00

I like people. Most times. Okay, sometimes. There are just things that people do which get on my nerves.

For instance, I hate people who live in other time zones. They're such jerks. They think that just because they live in the future they are better than everyone else.

Whatever.

Just because you get to find out what happens on Spongebob and 30 Rock before I do, doesn't make you a better person. You're also not psychic. I'd like to inform you that whatever goes on in your timezone happens in mine at the same time. Just... not literally the "same time."

So, stop your gloating! Ignorant fools! I've won this battle, and I intend to win again! In the future. Or past. I'm not really sure.

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
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ps: Have you got the time?

Principal Scheme

2010-06-04T09:18:00.000-07:00

I got a call recently from a man who wanted to inform me about job openings at Cutco. I was referred there by a friend who was trying to help me out. However, the part that I loved was that she felt the need to insist, "It's not a pyramid scheme!"

Well, maybe it's not, but why would you have to say that if it wasn't?

I think I am going to start using that phrase to ensure people know everything in my life is legit.

Babies
"I'm having a baby! It's not a pyramid scheme, I promise!"
A woman has two children.
The two children each have two grandchildren for the woman.
Each of those grandchildren have great grandchildren.
Definitely not a pyramid scheme since the woman leaves her inheritance to the cute grandchildren and cut the others out of her will. More like a V scheme.

Education
"I'm just trying to make them learn in an expensive private school! It's NOT a pyramid scheme!"
Administrator hires two principals for two schools.
The principals hire two teachers for each of their schools.
Each teacher recruits two students.
The administrator gets paid every time a new student gets accepted. Wait, what? Who knew private schools were a scam!?

I'm not sure why there are sheep.
Especially since this image is about a NASCAR Ponzi Scheme...

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
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ps: I'm not a pyramid scheme!

Adult Sleepover

2010-06-02T11:09:00.000-07:00

As a child, I am sure most of you entertained other prepubescents in your domicile. By that I mean, had a slumber party or sleepover.

Don't you miss them?

I do.

They didn't make these for your cat to see!

Why isn't it socially acceptable for adults to have nonsexual sleepovers? Here, I'll show you how to have one as an adult:

Make a list of 2-6 friends who won't trash your place or stick jelly beans up your nose.
Send out invitations, instructing your pals to bring their sleeping bags [because you're still too poor to buy more than three blankets and a couch].
Procure wine, mini quiches, 8 lbs of super butter popcorn, a manicure set, romantic comedies, and some video games.
Clean your house.
Let your friends partake in your wine, quiches, popcorn, fancy nails, shitty movies, and video games.
Don't make out with them.

Remember, you don't have to be drunk or horny to stay at a friend's house! Call your friends today!

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The Same Old Story

2010-05-24T13:17:00.000-07:00

The Black Waters of Echos Pond looks like a cheap ripoff of Jumanji, but with nudity and horror for adults.

They both start off the same way...

Some idiot centuries earlier finds an evil game.
Present[ish] day, someone else discovers it hidden behind boards.
They open it.
They play it.
They are sucked into the game and bad things happen.
One has lots of nudity and scary CGI things, the other has Robin Williams and monkeys.

Well done, Gabriel Bologna, you've unsuccessfully stolen the plot to Jumanji and Zathura. Both written by the same man who ripped his own book off to make a sequel. High-fives all around!

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I!!!1 ACCEPT!!1!!!!11!

2010-05-22T08:01:00.000-07:00

Uhhm... how many exclamations points are acceptable in a reply email to a future employer about an interview??
Blogging the depths of the abyss!
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ps: Like 8? 9? Just give me a ballpark estimate here.

VIP Party

2010-05-20T11:10:00.000-07:00

I am pretty sure that being half black [Halfrican] got me into some secret club where all the black people say hi to me and think we are besties. This club occurs wherever there are gatherings of people. Streets, buses, restaurants, stores, etc.

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Golf Nazi

2010-04-16T19:15:00.004-07:00

I'm no grammar Nazi, but sometimes I wish I were. Especially on Facebook.

For instance, there seems to be a lot of confusion about to/too/two, your/you're, its/it's, or any spelling error that Firefox is generous enough to point out.

When I see a sentence such as,

"Hey bro.. golf is a great hobbie but it can be very frustrating as well.. its the thoughest game in the world by far!"

I want to go in and make a comment pointing out their idiocy. Well, idiocy and point of view. Golf? Really? Has he tried every sport in the world? Because I'm pretty sure all of the dead gladiators would disagree. Pff... golf...

Pretty sure my comment would end up something like this, which is why I don't say a thing,

"Hey bro... grammar is a great hobby but it can be very frustrating as well. It's the toughest thing you have to encounter after a hard day of working at Taco Bell!"

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
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Free Stuff Sucks

2010-04-05T12:48:00.000-07:00

Listening to a mediocre CD I received for free, it hit me... People love free things, no matter how shitty the thing is!

Think about it... remember getting pharmacy pens, your first AOL CD, non-profit envelopes stuffed with return-address label stickers [wrong name/address, of course], mouse pads, candy from a stranger, etc.? You were excited when someone handed it to you, or when it came in the mail, but five minutes later you'd already forgotten about it.

Free stuff is exciting until you realize why it was free. Let's be honest, who the hell wants a mousepad with "Say NO to drugs" scrawled on it? No one.

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...AND THAT WAS RAVEL!

2009-09-04T19:34:00.000-07:00

I love classical music. I listen to it a lot and used to [poorly] play the violin. So, I basically have a long history of sitting in the back of an orchestra and enjoying the music.

Generally, I tune into PBS to listen to classical music, but in Seattle I just listen to King FM because it comes in [it's classical music with commercials and a smug man drinking coffee--see right].

One thing I've noticed they have in common, aside from the obvious, is that they both have announcers who like to scare the crap out of their listeners.

I'm not talking about telling scary stories or jumping out of your radio and eating your heart. No no... they like to play very relaxing pieces, and just as you're soaking in the end of a song and relaxing, there's a brief pause. A few seconds into the pause, the announcer always takes a sharp inhale of breath and BAM! begins to speak very loudly and monotone, startling you out of any happy contentedness he may have previously lulled you into.

Maybe I'm the only one who has noticed this, but I like falling asleep and not being jolted out of pre-dreams by people who lack volume control.

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"Meet me at the corner of Homo and Sexual."

2009-09-03T08:22:00.005-07:00

Riding on the bus leaves much to be desired. I often spend my time daydreaming. I think, perhaps, the best daydream I've had yet is the time I replaced every hobo I saw with an M. I mean to say, I replaced the B in hobo with an M, which makes the new word, what? Correct! Look how smart you are!

Think about it... How much better would cities look and be if,
instead of hobos,

there were homos?

Instead of those smelly old guys who demand pocket change and talk to themselves, you'd have sexy, good-smelling guys who demand you change your outfit, but only converse with each other because, honey, they are way too good for you!

Homo shelters would be filled with minimal food [gotta watch your figure!], loud electronic music, dancing [the dirty kind], and expensive drinks [that aren't hidden in paper bags].

Let's be honest. The only people who wouldn't like this is anyone who hates looking at pretty street corners!

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
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ps: I know, I know, I'm great at taking pictures of weirdos in the backgrounds of pictures. I just really hope those lovely gay boys got something to eat after the parade! They look positively famished.

Bathroom Literature

2009-09-01T13:58:00.002-07:00

I want to name a book A Bathroom. I know, I'm brilliant.

Fine, think about it... when people ask for it in bookstores the conversation will go as follows:
[cast: Buttina as the shopper and Chester as the employee]

Buttina: "Excuse me, do you have A Bathroom?
Chester: "Yes, it's in the back near the drinking fountain."
Buttina wanders off.
Buttina comes back obviously agitated minutes later.
Buttina: "Excuse me, I don't find your sense of humor to be very... humorous."
Chester: "Pardon?"
Buttina: "I asked for A Bathroom, and you pointed me in the direction of the loo."
Chester: "Yes, I tend to be helpful like that. Is there a problem?"

See? Humorous dialogue ensues! Uhm... and Buttina slipped on a banana peel.

A Bathroom will be number one on your reading list soon! Or perhaps even number two!

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
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Another Reason Why Footballers Are Lame

2009-08-30T15:24:00.005-07:00

Dear high school footballers,
The only people who want you to wash their cars are pedophiles and your mothers. Find some cheerleaders to help you next time.
Sincerely,
A concerned citizen

No

Yes

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Garfunkel and Oates

2009-07-29T12:06:00.000-07:00

Stumbled across a new [to me] duo called Garfunkel and Oates, or Riki Lindhome and Kate Micucci. These girls are so fabulous! Their lyrics are pretty funny!

F**k You

Pregnant Women are Smug [a personal favorite]

Me, You, and Steve awkward dates!

Present Face ohhh... thanks for that...

Worst Song Medley haha! this is so great :)

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Paul's Going to Kill You at Roulette

2009-07-28T14:49:00.006-07:00

Most people hate spam, and generally I do as well but I frequently utilize my Gmail option of previewing the first line of an email so that I can see what some of the spam says. I've gotten some really great spam messages; my favorites generally have lots of random words. I haven't gotten any of those lately, but I have gotten two messages from Paul.

I know that Paul asked me not to share, but I think this spam is an opportunity you cannot pass up [plus, I think everyone should become roulette experts!].

from: paul
reply-to: andrewlr@homsonline.com
to: ruidonegro@gmail.com
date: Mon, Jul 27, 2009 at 11:28 PM
subject: Re: sending it

yo mate, ok I`ll give you my trick but if you give it someone else I`ll fuckin kill you :)
you know in roulette you can bet on blacks or reds. If you bet $1 on black and it goes black you win $1 but
if it goes red you loose your $1.
So I found a way you can win everytime:

bet $1 on black if it goes black you win $1

now again bet $1 on black, if it goes red bet $3 on black, if it goes red again bet $8 on black,
if red again bet $20 on black, red again bet $52 on black (always multiple you previous lost bet around 2.5)
if now is black you win $52 so you have $104 and you bet:

$1 + $3 + $8 + $20 + $52 = $84 So you just won $20 :)

now when you won you start with $1 on blacks again etc etc. its always bound to go black
eventually (it`s 50/50) so that way you eventually always win. But there`s a catch. If you
start winning too much (like $1000 a day) casino will finally notice something and can ban
you. I was banned once on royal casino. So don`t be too greedy and don`t win more then $200
a day and you can do it for years. I think bigger casinos know that trick so I play for real
money on smaller ones, right now I play on lucky jackpot casino: goldenslotcasino.net for more
then 3 months, I win $50-$200 a day and my account still works. You`ll find roulette there when you log in go to
"specialty games" - "american roulette". And don`t you dare talling about it anyone else,
if too many people knows about it casinos will finally found a way to block that trick. If
you have any questions just drop me a line here or on skype.

c ya

> Hi paul.
>
> Please tell me when you will send me your roulette trick?
> You promised you`ll send it few weeks ago :(
>
> Thanks in advance.

Andrea Bocelli... King of Vanity?

2009-07-25T01:51:00.005-07:00

I cannot lie to you... I always thought Andrea Bocelli was some sort of egotistical narcissist.

Let me explain.

It's just that he's got this far-off stare he does on all of his album covers.

It was only a few years ago, after purchasing one of his CDs [of which I may or may not have told iTunes to not play because, turns out I don't like his music], that I found out the guy is blind. I think it was probably because I saw someone leading him onto a stage, and I figured most grown men don't need some other man to lead them around.

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ps: Dear reader, let's be honest... I only purchased his CD because he had the same name as me.

Things Your Ears Should Hear

2009-07-20T11:07:00.004-07:00

Here's a prezzie for you... Some of my favorite songs and music videos compiled in a listy! Double cool with knobs!! They're not in any particular order. Some of them disallowed embedding, so there are instead links to the youtube video.

Bat for Lashes--What's a Girl to Do?

Chairlift--Bruises

Mika--Happy Ending

Yelle--A Cause des Garçons [TEPR Remix]

Mark Ronson featuring Amy Winehouse--Valerie

The Blow--True Affection

Lykke Li--Little Bit

Passion Pit--Sleepyhead

Fettes Brot--Erdbeben

Lützenkirchen--3 Tage Wach

Modern Skirts--Pasadena

Röyksopp--What Else is There?

Feist--My Moon, My Man [Boys Noise Remix]

Lady Gaga--Love Game [VJ Dezlenguado Space Cowboy Remix]

La Roux--Armour Love

Okay, I'll end that list with 15 songs. I hope [all two of] you enjoy!!

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Mmm... Babies!

2009-07-15T14:55:00.004-07:00

During a recent conversation about the deliciousness of babies and mankind, we compared the babies to eating eggs and didn't know which was worse: eating what was [a baby] or what could have been [an egg would have been a chick].

"I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed is at a year old a most delicious, nourishing, and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricassee or a ragout."
--Jonathan Swift, A Modest Proposal

"Well, I only like one kind of egg so I guess I'd probably rather eat babies."
--Emily

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McDonald's Goes for the Gold and Fails!

2009-07-09T12:51:00.010-07:00

On a recent camping trip we decided to stop by McDonald's on our way out of town. Before we threw the bag away I noticed that the bag read, "Why are our fries the gold standard? Because only a select number of potato varieties make the cut."

Uhm... I'm not sure what kind of potatoes McDonald's is using, but they must be working on a small budget and allowing a toungueless blind person to select their potatoes and taste-test the fries.

I've never heard anyone say they wanted to eat at McDonald's for the fries. They're so small and disgusting! Why settle for greasy cardboard when you can get golden crispy fries from Burger King or delicious curly fries from Arby's? Or perhaps you should just get a salad.

Dear McDonald's,
If you insist on calling your fries the "gold standard," then moldy bread is the platinum standard.
Considerately Yours,
Not a fan of your fries

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
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Someecards

2009-06-24T15:38:00.003-07:00

Someecards.com is possibly one of my favorite websites. Ever. [I still love you, Wikipedia!] My favorite sections include Flirting and Confessions.

Through sheer boredom, I have managed to create a few of my own to further spread my strange humor to le Interneto.

Enjoy.

Take Me To Magicland!!

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One BlueTooth for Every Hobo Initiative

2009-06-23T13:31:00.005-07:00

People always make claims of what they would do during their elected term. I want to tell you one thing I would do, and I promise not to let you down!

One BlueTooth for Every Hobo Initiative

That's right. You read correctly. I would give every hobo a BlueTooth.

Think about it. What do the majority of hobos do? That's right. They talk to themselves. And why not help them look less crazy by giving them BlueTooth headsets?

Let's look at this from the other perspective: People who wear BlueTooths. You think they're talking to you. They're not. They're really yelling at their employees/wives/parents.

Why not combine the two and make the scary/yelling hobos look like scary/yelling businessmen?

I give you BlueHobo:
Blogging the depths of the abyss,
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Craigslist... Platonically Speaking

2009-06-18T15:19:00.017-07:00

Craigslist.

Everyone's been there. I have. You have. Everyone. Whether it was out of curiosity, boredom, a new apartment, some used socks, whatever. You've looked at it, and don't deny it because your browsing history won't lie to me.

On a recent excursion into the craigy abyss, I recently found some real keepers in the "platonic" section. Let me just share some of them [commentary included for free, of course].

5. I know you took those pictures yourself.
Looking for someone to hang out with this weekend. - m4w - 24 (Sammamish)

Hey, what's up? My name is Michael. I'm a single 24 year old male who currently resides in Sammamish, WA. I just got done with classes at the University of Washington a few days ago. I'm on here looking for someone between the ages of 18 and 25 to hang out with from time to time in the Eastside area (Sammamish, Issaquah, Redmond, Bellevue, Kirkland, Renton, etc). I'm also looking for something to do tonight (no plans at the moment). I'm pretty much up for whatever... movies, bowling, mini-golf, hiking, food, etc. Here are some pics of me. Please include a pic of yourself or a MySpace link when writing me. I like knowing who I'm talking to.

Witty commentary: "Oh hay! I didn't realize... is that a camera? Is this light good? Wow, I didn't know you were taking pictures! Is this pose? How's... how's this pose? Can you see all my sexy features?" *aaaand upload to Craigslist. thanks, webcam! you're the BEST!*
picture: from his posting

4. Hey, at least he's upfront about what he wants...
Seeking WoW nerd, lmao - m4w - 27 (Puyallup)
Do you like WoW, do you got a lev 80? willing to mabe xfer servers to DarkIron? if so get back at me and mabe we can play together and see where things go from there =)

Witty commentary: I'll bring you back to my place and show you my Dark Iron... Heh...
picture: from his posting

3. Don't ever call me. Ever. I bet you never hang up first. Or get non-telemarketing phone calls...
I am bored at work. - m4w - 24 (Edmonds.)

I am bored at work. I really wana talk with some people. I really wana talk with some gurls. I would love to text you or osmething. Please text me when u get a chance two zero six four nine eight - eight three three seven. I would love to talk with you. I am trying to meet some gurls. I really hang out with them

take care

Have a great day

I hope to hear from u soon

Witty commentary: "NO REALLY!! I really like gurls! Gurls are the BESTEST!!!"
Ok bye
See ya
Talk 2 u l8r
have a nice day
love you
I want you in the trunk of my car
I've talked to girls before
bye
no srly!
k bye

2. Ahhh...uuhhh...ummm........ Really?
Threesome with my Realdoll - mw4m

If you don’t know what a Realdoll is, either look it up or you should probably just move on. For those that are aware, I’ll give you the stats on my girl: Gabrielle has a Face 16, Body 5, she is about 4’10”, lighter skin tone, black hair, trimmed pubic hair, and 32 E breasts. She is a hottie in every sense of the word.

If you are serious about this, we would like to hear from you. You must be respectful of both Gabrielle and myself. Neither of us have ever had a threesome before, so this will be new to both of us. Also, she isn’t the most cooperative girl as far as positioning goes – although she is tiny, she is quite heavy. Perhaps with another guy present, it would open up additional possibilities. I’m not as picky as she is, so it would probably help your chances if you addressed your messages to her She would love to hear your basic info and any thoughts/ideas for our threesome. She has several outfits she could wear for us.

Witty commentary: Really? You trimmed it? That's just awkward for everyone... And I think you have multiple personality problems. Or something. Your "RealDoll" isn't actually real... Promises!
picture: from some myspace forum

1. Camping? This sounds like a slasher flick!
lets go camping tonight - m4w - 23 (south snohomish)

lets go camping for the night, i am easy going and have everything we need i figure we will go off i-90 or something near seattle, please be 20-40 and not a twig lol easy to get along with (cute and tall).... there might be cuddling in the tent (body heat) but no more.

pic for pic

Witty commentary: Ahhh... I don't really think I need to be murdered tonight. Thanks for the offer though! "go off i-90 'or something'..." those sound like murder words to me!!! Body heat!? Because he's going to kill you and wear your skin to prom!
ps: Thanks for sending a picture of the woods you plan to kill me in! It'll really help my family when they're looking for the body!
picture: from his posting... it was of trees

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Poppypotengooksy

2009-05-27T11:10:00.001-07:00

I have this German friend and there were always words that he would say in German that he could not find a proper translation for. My favorite of which being "liebestrunken," the closest translation he could find was love stoned. So I wondered what English words were hard to translate.

The ten [British] English words that were voted hardest to translate:

plenipotentiary [when has anyone ever needed to explain this word!?]
gobbledegook
serendipity
poppycock
googly [never heard it used like that]
spam [kinda lame...]
whimsy
bumf [British slang]
chuffed
kitsch

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Magical Pick Up Line

2009-05-22T15:31:00.001-07:00

I occasionally think of awful pickup lines... but I think this one is actually clever. You just wait. You'll be using it on your lover tonight!

Person showing their lover to their bed:
"This is where the magic happens... No seriously, I'm a magician. If you make out with me I'll make your pants disappear."

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fo rizzle ma snizzle

2009-05-20T17:51:00.005-07:00

Things you probably should not write in letters to your boss, professors, coworkers, parents, administrators, future employers, etc.:

shitton
crapload
hella
lolz
bro + any ending [ex: brohista, brollerblading, brodown, brogasm, etc.]
douche + any ending [ex: douchebag, douchebaguette, douchenozzle, etc.]
<3
BAMF

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I'm Dreaming of Anything but a White Winter

2009-01-15T12:14:00.004-08:00

I'm not sure if you've ever experienced the awesomeness of a Midwest winter, but let me tell you now: It Blows. Literally.

The wind is great because this place is flatter than the combined chests of a female gymnastic team. And as if the weather weren't bad enough, wind chill usually drops the weather another -20. Neat. Love that. Bring me some more!

The snow is awesome. It falls sideways. I don't know if you knew that. Movies lie. Snow does not daintily frolic out of the sky. Heck no. That white stuff blows sideways and scrapes your peepy eyes out. Not that you could see far enough in front of you to need them anyway.

Welcome to the Midwest.

Don't die on our highways, we have to wait until April for you to unthaw anyway.

You know what the best part of winter is though? When spring comes and it just rains for days on end. That can happen in March or May, it just depends on how much suck you put out and how much suck planet earth wants to give back. Last winter? Snow and ice until May. Neat. I like that. Makes me want to gouge out the rest of my eyes.

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ps: Bring it winter. My hood is lined with fur and I bought me some ear muffs!

pps: We are at the height of fashion here if you could not tell...

A Hand Dryer of Porktastic Porkportions

2008-12-08T00:43:00.001-08:00

Using the bathroom is a daily occurrence for most normally functioning beings. However, a large portion of those people choose not to wash their hands.

I wash my hands.

I also dry them. But I live on a campus that is trying to reduce waste, and they therefore provide hand dryers in place of paper toweling.

Today was like any other day: boring and useless. However, when I stumbled into that first floor Ladies' room, I didn't know the journey would change my view on blow dryers forever.

Glancing down at the blow dryer, after washing my hands, I noticed the stupid little pictures welded to the dryer. One was of a hand pushing a button, the other of heat radiating down onto a hand. Then I noticed small words inscribed over each picture. I read the lines quickly, then again in disbelief:

"Press button" and "Receive bacon"
[the picture goes one further, which is a fabulous addition]

I couldn't stop laughing. Who had written this? It was hilarious! The little red heat marks really did look like bacon! I wish I could shake this dried bacon fiend.

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*Update*
I wrote this last semester and just posted it, the words have since been washed off by some bacon hater. I am incredibly tempted to re-inscribe the humor.

An Open Letter to All White People

2008-10-20T18:17:00.003-07:00

Dear White People,

Why, yes I am half black, or halfrican as I like to say. I also have hair far different than yours. It is not a brillo pad, do not compare it to one or I will harm your perfect teeth.

I also do not appreciate you telling me that I should fro my hair. Just because I was born with unfortunately stiff, dry hair does not mean I am going to spend hours combing my hair out and filling it with products just so you can laugh at how dumb I look. That is not my idea of fun. It wasn't funny when dozens of other said it and it definitely wasn't funny when you continued to tell me to. Fros may have been cool in the 70s but now people just point and laugh. I just wanted to let you all know that black people don't appreciate your humor at our hair's expense.

Thanks.

ps: Nobody looks good with an afro. Don't fool yourself.

Mystery Area

2008-10-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

Working as a tour guide at a "mystery area" over the summer, I received a lot of questions pertaining to the origins of the mysteries the "mystery area" contained within its cabined walls.

Though I revealed little to nothing, as there was nothing mysterious going on, I always enjoyed the way one of my co-workers began his answers to questions about our place of business: "Well, 'mystery area' is a magical place..."

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I hate Phil Collins

2008-10-03T11:20:00.005-07:00

"I can feel it comin
in the air tonight"
--Phil Collins

A poem entitled: Morning Air
This morning
I could see my breath
in the crisp air.
It reminded me
of a crisp morning
last Fall
when I could see my breath.

--by Andrea

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ps: I hate Phil Collins

Do you hate Phil Collins? Quiz
Your Results:Congratulations! You hate Phil Collins. You blame him for every mishap that occurs during your everyday life, and with good reason! Pat yourself on the back, you're a good person.

My Dad

2008-10-01T19:57:00.000-07:00

My father likes to pretend as though he doesn't really like any of us kids. But it's pretty obvious that when we're gone he only has the cat to yell at. So I like not calling home for a few weeks and seeing how many sad phone calls I can get from him. I'm up to, like, 8 right now.

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Slummin'

2008-09-30T09:01:00.002-07:00

Sometimes when I am waiting, I think back to when I live at home and have to wait for my parents to pick me up. I am so happy my parents live in SD and not in a ghetto because during the mass amounts of time that they made me wait every day I sometimes wonder if I would have started doing drugs, stolen people's shoes, or joined a gang.

Scratch that...

Sometimes when I am waiting I think how awesome it would be to live in a ghetto and join a gang.

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Crazy Bus Lady

2008-09-29T20:11:00.004-07:00

In a larger city, one often takes the bus to get around. On the bus there sit many crazies mixed in with the businessfolk, teens, mothers, teen mothers, etc.

One day I made the mistake of sitting next to a Crazy and she soon struck up a conversation... with herself. I sat next to her and listened to the woman discuss the politics of rain gutters and drain pipes and their effect on Scandinavia. Apparently she was pretty popular with herself because a few other voices agreed heartily as she won them over with her compelling argument.

After being distracted, I got off the bus stop in the wrong part of town and the next bus wasn't due for a half hour. As incredibly sketchy folk lurking in the shadows and behind trashcans began to wander closer to me, I formulated a plan. A creeper stuck his hand toward me and I quickly began to twitch and talk to myself. Then I offered him a piece of my hair. Needless to say, he left me alone, and I got home safely.

Anyone interested in a few strands of hair??

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The Badonkadonk

2008-09-18T18:10:00.006-07:00

Browsing Amazon, I came across a little tag called "Amazon Oddities." Intrigued, I clicked and found "fresh whole rabbit" and "Badonkadonk tank." Extremely intrigued, I clicked on the latter. For $19,999.95 the tank could be yours!

I checked the product out and found several hilarious reviews:

"Considering the driving habits of the locals in my area, I decided that trading in my sedan was probably a good idea, in fact, something that would improve my health more than eating broccoli and drinking green tea."

"I've been at war with the other guys in the cul de sac for a while. One of them started running over people's cars with his H1. In response the guy 2 doors down bought a decommissioned Soviet-era Tank. When he went to battle with the H-1, he missed and smashed another neighbor's house. Well, I don't have the money for a Soviet Tank or a Hummer, so I contented myself to building moats and fortifications and purchasing a mortar launcher."

"I bought this tank for my four-year-old, and I have to say that I'm a little bit disappointed. Although Amazon claims the tank can reach a top speed of 40 miles per hour, my son was only able to crank it up to about 36, and also crashed it into my mother's car. If you've never played "Grand Theft Auto," let me clue you in: When it comes down to tank vs. car, tank wins. "
It's the vehicle for you if you already have the following:
Exotic Sports
Car Sports
Car Luxury
Sedan Convertible
Full-sized SUV
Mid-sized SUV
Compact SUV
Crossover SUV
Wagon
Mid-sized Sedan
Compact
Sub-compact
Motorcycle
Moped
Bicycle
Tricycle
Skateboard
Inline
Skates
Pogo
Stick
Sneakers
Loafers
Sandals
Socks

Of course, sites like this offer gift cards and prizes for having the best fake reviews.

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Stalker

2008-06-16T12:25:00.005-07:00

Signing on to Facebook one night I realized that I had a stalker who had e-mailed me a message confessing his love for me. I decided to reply back and talk to him for a while.

The sad thing about him is that he is a terrible stalker. I'm the one that had to tape up my schedule on his door so he could follow me from class to class. I also gave him my cell number, room number, and hours that I am awake and told him to call anytime. I walk past his door constantly to see if it's open, and if it is I stand outside and listen to his conversations to see if he's talking about me. I generally make it a habit to walk past all of his classes to make sure he got there alright.

And for some odd reason that I cannot possibly figure out, I was arrested last night for waiting in his room, with a box of cheese knives, in the dark until he came back from class.

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lolz

2008-05-02T13:15:00.003-07:00

To me, once someone uses lingo such as "lol" in a text, online conversation, post, etc, it always kind of lowers their intelligence in my mind... I'm not really sure why. I seem to be the only person who doesn't use it. I guess I just say "haha" or "hehe" all of the time, so "lol" is unnecessary. However, the one Internet lingo, or whatever, that I do enjoy using is "omfg." Because I cannot possibly imagine the situation where someone would need to say "OMFG!!," though I shall try...

Scenario 1: a chat room

Amerie: I think my mom is being attacked by a New York Transvestite!!
Sven: OMFG!!! Oh sorry, I left my Pizza Bites in the oven too long... brb!

Scenario 2: a revealing dinner conversation

Paul: Sweetheart, I have herpes and I've given it to everyone I've slept with for the past 8 years.
Sherry: Well that's kinda rude.
Paul: OMFG!! You have a Velosaraptor on your face!!

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Things I Learned from "Magnolia"

2008-05-02T13:04:00.004-07:00

If you lose your gun you should cry about it.
Crack makes you listen to loud Aimee Mann and flip out.
Tom Cruise is always cocky, but looks great with long hair [see "Legend"].
Going on gameshows ends badly for everyone.
Dying old men can easily be tricked into thinking they are smoking cigarettes.
Black kids rap, solve murder cases, and steal money from dead white ladies.
Murses will cry about anything and everything. When crazy people fall for each other it's awkward.
Parents mess up their kids' lives.
Dogs are annoying and die from eating old man medication [or possibly from being drop-kicked by Tom Cruise].
You can order bread, peanut butter, cigarettes, and naughty magazines from the grocery store and they will deliver!
Sometimes movies like to be in every category, this one qualifies as:
Drama, Mystery, Comedy, Fantasy, Romance, and Musical
Frogs falling from the sky make every things better.
Everyone knows Aimee Mann songs.
Philip Seymour Hoffman is amazing as a pansy or an arrogant jerk.

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Ode to a Squirrel

2008-04-17T09:37:00.000-07:00

This is a poem I wrote several years ago for my high school Creative Writing class.

Ode to a Squirrel

Ah, to be a squirrel.
To frolic in the open breeze,
the grass parting softly as you scamper
high up in the old oak trees
throwing nuts at passersby.

Ah, to be a squirrel,
sleeping winters away,
stealing bird seed in the summer.

Oh, you intelligent ones,
how do you do it?
Daredevils of the highway.

Ah, to be roadkill.

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The Walk

2008-04-07T08:06:00.001-07:00

I was bored one day, so I took a walk around the area in which I live.

I happened to be sauntering up a hill of which two women were coming down. But these were no ordinary women, oh no, they were wearing the same velour tracksuit! What was even scarier, was that they were also jogging in step with one another.

As they got closer, I realized they were twins, so I tripped the one closest to me and ran the rest of the way up the hill.

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God Loves the Little Drunkards

2008-03-07T15:27:00.002-08:00

Several years ago I was sitting in my dorm room on the third floor. I noticed, as one does, that there were a lot of drunk people that walk down the street past my room. It was really fun to mess with them sometimes.

So, one night when I was tired of all of the laughing and screaming and talking, I yelled out of the window:

"My children, thou art menteth to be quieteth! Do my will, and hush thine mouths... eth!"

I heard some rustling from below, footsteps, and then only silence. To this day they probably think that God himself was talking to them.

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The Sound of Inconsiderate Music

2008-02-19T19:34:00.004-08:00

Why isn't life more like "The Sound of Music"?

I often run through open rolling fields, singing at the top of my lungs. But the hills aren't alive! And I don't like schnitzel with noodles or bright copper kettles!

I tried running through the fields again this morning and was asked to leave the winery.

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CEO

2008-02-19T19:28:00.003-08:00

I guess I thought I was being really funny when I gave David Djovua a wedgie, but what I didn't know was that he would grow up to be a multi-millionaire CEO of a huge construction company.

Well, I guess selling sand to elementary kids at the playground isn't really like a huge company.

And, I also suppose that beating up those same kids for their lunch money isn't really like being a millionaire.

So really, I guess he's just an ordinary guy. But, we'll always have Nam.

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Amen, you may be seated

2008-02-19T18:08:00.006-08:00

I've been thinking a lot about cooking lately. I love making up my own recipes while I am cooking.

Then I started thinking about restaurants. What would my restaurant be like? I'm not entirely sure, but I kind of got on this religious kick and came up with a few menu options.

The Righteous Last Supper's menu:

Father, Son, and Pimento Loaf

Pontius Pie

Dulce de Liturgy

The Biblackened Chicken

Potatorah Salad

Peanut Begetter and Jelly Sandwich

Messiahroni and Cheese

Blasphemeef Stroganoff

Bluciferberry Pancakes

Potato AuGrautrinity

Chicken Marsangela

Creme BruLent

When the diners come in, the hostess will take them to their table and say, "You may be seated."And of course, we will serve bread and wine as appetizers. However, whether or not people pray before their meal will be up to them.

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