50 Ways to Lose Your Roomie [pt II]

I'm definitely not OCD, but I do not appreciate my things being moved. I don't like dishes, socks, boyfriends, etc. that aren't mine appearing in my room, trash sorted into the wrong bins [it seems so easy, yet people just don't care], or my clothes being worn.

The last one in particular. My clothes stay looking nice because I don't A. make a mess like a 3 year old, B. sweat profusely, or C. wash my clothes excessively [because of the lack of A and B]. In my imagination, the day my clothes are borrowed happens to be the day they get the rib dinner with extra sauce. No napkins. Why? Well, because they've got this new skirt/napkin.

One could just ask the purloiner to stop, but where's the fun in that? Instead, I considered alternative routes to recommend you go down in order to deter a roommate, parent, sibling, or friend from wearing your clothing.

1. Spray everything with skunk scent.
Pros Your roomie will no longer want to borrow anything because all of your clothing [and probably your entire place] will stink the stench of a thousand deaths.
Cons No one will want to come near you. Ever.

2. Buy clothing inappropriate for your roomie's body type OR pieces you've heard them express disdain for.
Pros The clothing-snatcher might take a piece or two, but you no longer care because your closet is full of awful trash.
Cons You'll probably look awful in your new wardrobe.

3. Start borrowing all of their clothing. Think large-scale: excessive layering, use the living room to create Fort Vestments, stuff a new mattress, or pillows, blankets, and sheets made from clothes. Then spill a lot of pickled beet juice and tuna on the layers.
Pros You can hint or suggest that it might be best if neither of you borrowed the other's clothing to prevent further spillage or clothing miss-use. After all, it's easier to just not borrow than it is to remember silly guidelines such as not sewing padded bras together to make an amazing face-cupping pillow.
Cons None. Unless your roomie is crazy and doesn't care that you ruined all of their clothes!

Blogging the depths of the abyss, 
[a]

50 Ways to Lose Your Roomie [Pt. I]

Living with people isn't for me. It's not that I hate people [or maybe it is and we're just going to pretend like it not], it's that I don't like my things being touched. Fortunately, other than my Rold Gold, my sister doesn't touch my carby food.

However, my last year of college I had several roommates. While living with them, one had a friend stay over and I cringed when I heard my roomie say to her friend, "Make yourself at home. Eat anything you want." The next morning I shuffled into the kitchen to find a bowl of barely touched strawberry instant oatmeal. My favorite. The packets that I save for last because they're the best. And she had wasted it.

I know your heart broke for me. Mine re-broke just typing that.

However, years later I've come up with a solution. Does your roommate have any allergies or foods they hate? Find them out--come up with a list. Then stock your cabinets with those items. Learn to love the things your roommate hates. That way you'll never have to "share" again!

Does he hate raisins in his food? Easy. Mac'n'Cheese'n'Raisins.

Maybe your roomie is allergic to nuts? Here are some ideas: peanut sauce on all your main dishes, crushed nuts in every cereal box, and be sure to rub peanut oil all over the lids.

Some people hate colors or textures of foods. We can work with that! Aversion to creamy sauces? Mayonnaise, horsey sauce, cream cheese, and alfredo sauce go on pretty much everything. Freaked out by jiggly substances? Gel all of your foods into Jell-o mealtime creations!

Good luck!

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]