fo rizzle ma snizzle

Things you probably should not write in letters to your boss, professors, coworkers, parents, administrators, future employers, etc.:

shitton
crapload
hella
lolz
bro + any ending [ex: brohista, brollerblading, brodown, brogasm, etc.]
douche + any ending [ex: douchebag, douchebaguette, douchenozzle, etc.]
<3
BAMF

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]

I'm Dreaming of Anything but a White Winter

I'm not sure if you've ever experienced the awesomeness of a Midwest winter, but let me tell you now: It Blows. Literally.

The wind is great because this place is flatter than the combined chests of a female gymnastic team. And as if the weather weren't bad enough, wind chill usually drops the weather another -20. Neat. Love that. Bring me some more!

The snow is awesome. It falls sideways. I don't know if you knew that. Movies lie. Snow does not daintily frolic out of the sky. Heck no. That white stuff blows sideways and scrapes your peepy eyes out. Not that you could see far enough in front of you to need them anyway.

Welcome to the Midwest.

Don't die on our highways, we have to wait until April for you to unthaw anyway.

You know what the best part of winter is though? When spring comes and it just rains for days on end. That can happen in March or May, it just depends on how much suck you put out and how much suck planet earth wants to give back. Last winter? Snow and ice until May. Neat. I like that. Makes me want to gouge out the rest of my eyes.

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]

ps: Bring it winter. My hood is lined with fur and I bought me some ear muffs!

pps: We are at the height of fashion here if you could not tell...

A Hand Dryer of Porktastic Porkportions

Using the bathroom is a daily occurrence for most normally functioning beings. However, a large portion of those people choose not to wash their hands.

I wash my hands.

I also dry them. But I live on a campus that is trying to reduce waste, and they therefore provide hand dryers in place of paper toweling.

Today was like any other day: boring and useless. However, when I stumbled into that first floor Ladies' room, I didn't know the journey would change my view on blow dryers forever.

Glancing down at the blow dryer, after washing my hands, I noticed the stupid little pictures welded to the dryer. One was of a hand pushing a button, the other of heat radiating down onto a hand. Then I noticed small words inscribed over each picture. I read the lines quickly, then again in disbelief:

"Press button" and "Receive bacon"
[the picture goes one further, which is a fabulous addition]

I couldn't stop laughing. Who had written this? It was hilarious! The little red heat marks really did look like bacon! I wish I could shake this dried bacon fiend.

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]


*Update*
I wrote this last semester and just posted it, the words have since been washed off by some bacon hater. I am incredibly tempted to re-inscribe the humor.

An Open Letter to All White People

Dear White People,

Why, yes I am half black, or halfrican as I like to say. I also have hair far different than yours. It is not a brillo pad, do not compare it to one or I will harm your perfect teeth.

I also do not appreciate you telling me that I should fro my hair. Just because I was born with unfortunately stiff, dry hair does not mean I am going to spend hours combing my hair out and filling it with products just so you can laugh at how dumb I look. That is not my idea of fun. It wasn't funny when dozens of other said it and it definitely wasn't funny when you continued to tell me to. Fros may have been cool in the 70s but now people just point and laugh. I just wanted to let you all know that black people don't appreciate your humor at our hair's expense.

Thanks.

ps: Nobody looks good with an afro. Don't fool yourself.

Mystery Area

Working as a tour guide at a "mystery area" over the summer, I received a lot of questions pertaining to the origins of the mysteries the "mystery area" contained within its cabined walls.

Though I revealed little to nothing, as there was nothing mysterious going on, I always enjoyed the way one of my co-workers began his answers to questions about our place of business: "Well, 'mystery area' is a magical place..."

Blogging the depths of the abyss,

[a]