False Stache Tribute

It's no secret that I have false mustache envy.


In fact, I fully intend on one day getting married wearing a monocle and a false mustache. My husband will have a monocle, false mustache, cane, and top hat. No lies. That's the only planning I've done for my TBD wedding. Man also TBD.

Not gonna lie, I would marry this girl. She loves false beards so much that she makes them for the beardly unfortunate.

This is one of my favorite photo galleries. I could look at it for hours. People who love their 'staches so much that they... basically garden them. Grooming, taming, weed whacking, etc.

I could live inside this website. Living off of delicious fake mustaches and false beardies. How fabulous!

Ke$ha's song Your Love Is My Drug is fabulous at 3.21 because she says "I like your beard." It's better on the radio, before having seen the video, because it's completely irrelevant to the rest of the song and is a wtf moment followed by laughter.

Aside from the time when I stumbled upon this gem ["The cougar (Puma concolor), also puma, mountain lion, Sarah Palin, or panther, depending on region, is a mammal of the Felidae family."], my favorite Wikipedia page is about mustaches. The style section in particular.

To be honest, I generally find real facial hair to be gross, full of bits of stuff, and oily. But false mustaches? SO classy! Where else are you going to find that high quality of awesome? Nowhere! Nowhere I tell ya!

However, just in case you CAN grow a mustache, here are some instructions on going about that.

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]

Greenwich Psychics

I like people. Most times. Okay, sometimes. There are just things that people do which get on my nerves.

For instance, I hate people who live in other time zones. They're such jerks. They think that just because they live in the future they are better than everyone else.

Whatever.

Just because you get to find out what happens on Spongebob and 30 Rock before I do, doesn't make you a better person. You're also not psychic. I'd like to inform you that whatever goes on in your timezone happens in mine at the same time. Just... not literally the "same time."



So, stop your gloating! Ignorant fools! I've won this battle, and I intend to win again! In the future. Or past. I'm not really sure.

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]

ps: Have you got the time?

Principal Scheme

I got a call recently from a man who wanted to inform me about job openings at Cutco. I was referred there by a friend who was trying to help me out. However, the part that I loved was that she felt the need to insist, "It's not a pyramid scheme!"

Well, maybe it's not, but why would you have to say that if it wasn't?

I think I am going to start using that phrase to ensure people know everything in my life is legit.

Babies
"I'm having a baby! It's not a pyramid scheme, I promise!"
A woman has two children.
The two children each have two grandchildren for the woman.
Each of those grandchildren have great grandchildren.
Definitely not a pyramid scheme since the woman leaves her inheritance to the cute grandchildren and cut the others out of her will. More like a V scheme.

Education
"I'm just trying to make them learn in an expensive private school! It's NOT a pyramid scheme!"
Administrator hires two principals for two schools.
The principals hire two teachers for each of their schools.
Each teacher recruits two students.
The administrator gets paid every time a new student gets accepted. Wait, what? Who knew private schools were a scam!?

I'm not sure why there are sheep.
Especially since this image is about a NASCAR Ponzi Scheme...

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]

ps: I'm not a pyramid scheme!

Adult Sleepover

As a child, I am sure most of you entertained other prepubescents in your domicile. By that I mean, had a slumber party or sleepover.

Don't you miss them?

I do.

They didn't make these for your cat to see!

Why isn't it socially acceptable for adults to have nonsexual sleepovers? Here, I'll show you how to have one as an adult:

• Make a list of 2-6 friends who won't trash your place or stick jelly beans up your nose.
• Send out invitations, instructing your pals to bring their sleeping bags [because you're still too poor to buy more than three blankets and a couch].
• Procure wine, mini quiches, 8 lbs of super butter popcorn, a manicure set, romantic comedies, and some video games.
• Clean your house.
• Let your friends partake in your wine, quiches, popcorn, fancy nails, shitty movies, and video games.
• Don't make out with them.
  

Remember, you don't have to be drunk or horny to stay at a friend's house! Call your friends today!

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]