Golf Nazi

I'm no grammar Nazi, but sometimes I wish I were. Especially on Facebook.

For instance, there seems to be a lot of confusion about to/too/two, your/you're, its/it's, or any spelling error that Firefox is generous enough to point out.

When I see a sentence such as,

"Hey bro.. golf is a great hobbie but it can be very frustrating as well.. its the thoughest game in the world by far!"

I want to go in and make a comment pointing out their idiocy. Well, idiocy and point of view. Golf? Really? Has he tried every sport in the world? Because I'm pretty sure all of the dead gladiators would disagree. Pff... golf...

Pretty sure my comment would end up something like this, which is why I don't say a thing,

"Hey bro... grammar is a great hobby but it can be very frustrating as well. It's the toughest thing you have to encounter after a hard day of working at Taco Bell!"

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]

Free Stuff Sucks

Listening to a mediocre CD I received for free, it hit me... People love free things, no matter how shitty the thing is!

Think about it... remember getting pharmacy pens, your first AOL CD, non-profit envelopes stuffed with return-address label stickers [wrong name/address, of course], mouse pads, candy from a stranger, etc.? You were excited when someone handed it to you, or when it came in the mail, but five minutes later you'd already forgotten about it.

Free stuff is exciting until you realize why it was free. Let's be honest, who the hell wants a mousepad with "Say NO to drugs" scrawled on it? No one.



Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]

...AND THAT WAS RAVEL!

I love classical music. I listen to it a lot and used to [poorly] play the violin. So, I basically have a long history of sitting in the back of an orchestra and enjoying the music.

Generally, I tune into PBS to listen to classical music, but in Seattle I just listen to King FM because it comes in [it's classical music with commercials and a smug man drinking coffee--see right].

One thing I've noticed they have in common, aside from the obvious, is that they both have announcers who like to scare the crap out of their listeners.

I'm not talking about telling scary stories or jumping out of your radio and eating your heart. No no... they like to play very relaxing pieces, and just as you're soaking in the end of a song and relaxing, there's a brief pause. A few seconds into the pause, the announcer always takes a sharp inhale of breath and BAM! begins to speak very loudly and monotone, startling you out of any happy contentedness he may have previously lulled you into.

Maybe I'm the only one who has noticed this, but I like falling asleep and not being jolted out of pre-dreams by people who lack volume control.

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]

"Meet me at the corner of Homo and Sexual."

Riding on the bus leaves much to be desired. I often spend my time daydreaming. I think, perhaps, the best daydream I've had yet is the time I replaced every hobo I saw with an M. I mean to say, I replaced the B in hobo with an M, which makes the new word, what? Correct! Look how smart you are!

Think about it... How much better would cities look and be if,
instead of hobos,

there were homos?

Instead of those smelly old guys who demand pocket change and talk to themselves, you'd have sexy, good-smelling guys who demand you change your outfit, but only converse with each other because, honey, they are way too good for you!

Homo shelters would be filled with minimal food [gotta watch your figure!], loud electronic music, dancing [the dirty kind], and expensive drinks [that aren't hidden in paper bags].

Let's be honest. The only people who wouldn't like this is anyone who hates looking at pretty street corners!

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]

ps: I know, I know, I'm great at taking pictures of weirdos in the backgrounds of pictures. I just really hope those lovely gay boys got something to eat after the parade! They look positively famished.

Bathroom Literature

I want to name a book A Bathroom. I know, I'm brilliant.

Fine, think about it... when people ask for it in bookstores the conversation will go as follows:
[cast: Buttina as the shopper and Chester as the employee]

• Buttina: "Excuse me, do you have A Bathroom?
• Chester: "Yes, it's in the back near the drinking fountain."
• Buttina wanders off.
• Buttina comes back obviously agitated minutes later.
• Buttina: "Excuse me, I don't find your sense of humor to be very... humorous."
• Chester: "Pardon?"
• Buttina: "I asked for A Bathroom, and you pointed me in the direction of the loo."
• Chester: "Yes, I tend to be helpful like that. Is there a problem?"

See? Humorous dialogue ensues! Uhm... and Buttina slipped on a banana peel.

A Bathroom will be number one on your reading list soon! Or perhaps even number two!

Blogging the depths of the abyss,
[a]